It’s been about a year since I (Julie) wrote a blog post. It’s been quite a year. Last summer was a significant time for me. I finally accepted the fact that I was not going to carry a child, that God had different plans for us, and that God’s plans were good. One day in my Bible reading I came across Psalm 126:6, which says, “Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” I took a picture of that verse and made it the background on my phone. I saw it every time I looked at my phone. We moved last summer and as I was packing, I came across the few items I had saved or collected over the years for a baby. I donated the few pieces of maternity clothes I had. I threw away a baby comb that I had saved for almost 10 years. There were other items that I can’t remember that also made it to the trash. It was a meaningful time of letting go and of moving on.
In August, we went on vacation. It was a special trip to celebrate our 10th anniversary and what we felt like would be our last hurrah as two before we would adopt. It was a cruise. At our first stop I decided to get some motion sickness medicine. I felt a little off and was sure that would do the trick. A couple of days later, I went down a water slide on the boat and decided I didn’t need to do that again. I just didn’t feel right. I spent the rest of that afternoon in bed. During the second half of our trip, I spent half of each day in bed, could barely stomach the smell of food, and dragged myself around for the rest of the time. Poor Chad missed out on great meals in the dining room and spent time watching the movies that were playing continuously on the ship’s tv station.
We really didn’t want to say the word “pregnant” out loud. It wasn’t good news. We’d been through this four times already. Four losses. Four D&Cs. Two confirmed cases of trisomy. Ugh. At the end of our trip, we drove from Barcelona to Madrid. The six hour trip turned into nine due to stops at gas stations and along the road as I was so sick.
Little did we know that those moments were the next steps in singing our songs of joy. It wasn’t fun but they are really special memories now.